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Back in the closet

back in the closet

I've known there was more than one side of myself since I hit my teenage years. Hovering around the age of 12/13, I attempted to distance myself from everything I felt had been self imposed on me. Michael transformed into Darion and my online/offline identity soon molded in different ways. Offline my personality was now muted. Growing through performing arts middle school my vivacious personality was on full display. I knew every chance I could get I would be on stage expressing myself through acting, dancing, and my poetry. Moving into a public school. I drew into myself and wrote religiously more out of necessity to live than because I was blessed with the talent. The tension in my home caused me to have what I deemed a personality shift whenever I was back home. I rarely spoke or expressed myself unless it was necessary. I was a walking ball of anger that soon needed a place to roam and carve my own niche for myself by myself. My rebillious teenage years kicked off with a major overhaul of my self image. I had constantly been the "pretty boy type" with a haircut appointment every week and half to show my waves, fresh clothes, shoes. Instead I soon grew my hair out into an afro that I experimented with different hairstyles including a mini fro, twists, and cornrows. Instead of buying clothes, I would make them myself-often adding rhinestones, glitter, slits in the back, fringe, spraypaint and clothes paint. During pep rallies for our football team I would be extravagant by painting my face the school colors, wearing coordinating beads, and high knee socks to show my eccentric personality more so than caring about the football team. I in fact only went to one football game ever my whole 3 1/2 yrs being at the school. Shows my spirit right? I developed an exterior that prevented people from getting close to me. And if I had confrontation my words were to meant to cut more than my fists would be able to. I soon started my trend of dating older men because I felt my maturity level surpassed my peers. After a bad experience with one of my firsts, I swore off dating until I had time to get myself together. I was still in fact angry and bitter at everyone around me for how my life was developing. Little did I know then I was emerging from the closet and being unashamed of my sexuality. Ironically, no matter how far I peeked out of the closet, by being athletic I rarely got picked on (to my face at least) or messed with. I think most of the high school boys would count me out until they realized I was very athletic. Then there was the issue of my emerging masculinity. Not to sound like the textbook of puberty but its true when I started maturing everything trickled down so fast. My voice suddenly dropped, weight lifting broadened my chests&shoulders, and I finally grew to 5-8 from being "a small fry." With the exception of my flamboyant style, I rarely engaged in the "life". My homosexual friends were few and online or past ones I dated my senior year (like one of my best friends). I had never been out to the gay club or was versed in the gay lingo. I often turned my nose up to more feminine males thinking somehow by retaining my masculinity I had more clout. It all seems trivial looking back on those days now...But those days have come back to the forefront with this family vacation back to Houston. I'll be 24 in the coming weeks and somehow the progress I've made in the 7 years since I left my parents home seemed to be stunted around family. I know as a homosexual we often get asked the infamous two questions: "when are you getting married?" Or "when are you having kids?" as if its not apparent that those rights and aspirations even in 2010 have to be fought for against the iggnorant and unjust societies many of us reside in. My normal witty remark to these questions are "when they make it legal". But when posed by my brother whom I haven't seen in almost a decade upon a prison visit and in front of my father, I shied away and didn't respond in my normal way. Instead I rattled off a generic a-sexual, read between the lines type of answer. Somehow inside I was taken back to the days with my father where I was afraid to speak openly and honestly about who I was interested in. And since my brother was unaware of my sexuality, I didn't want to address the conversation there in a noisy room full of strangers. I backed myself deep in the closet to appease what my father wanted me to keep silent and not acknowledge. The little boy who lived to please his father reared his ugly head again. Afterward leaving the visit with my brother I felt a wave of sadness blanket me. I had an opportunity to take a stand for myself but instead I took the easiest route (essentially lying, in my eyes). How could I be one whom demanded recognition and equality across the board with my sisters&brother when I first didn't acknowledge where I stood in my own mind. Deep down inside I think my parents are praying for the day when I validate this was all a phase to "stand out" and "be different". Don't hold your breath for too long family.
Michael/Darion could have easily fused years ago but I've slid in and out of the different sides of myself so easily that combining the two seems unneccesary. In fact maybe seperating the two causes me to think deeper of each personality traits. Maybe the two will merge. It will be interesting to see which one outweighs the other and wins. Let's cross our fingers I don't land back in the closet.

Breaking Point

Sunshine through the Rain

I reached my breaking point with Duval and am taking the break I so need in Atlanta with the Maxwell & Jill Scott concert.

For the past week my mind has taken me to the edge of mental insanity and right now is the time to pull myself back from the edge. I feel like I've gone full speed ahead since last year with school, work, personal issues, growing pains, etc that I haven't been able to give myself some breathing room to just live for the most part. I needed that time, that moment to stop everything and just LIVE. Life can't always be put on a time table and spontaneity makes for the most exciting adventures.

I have learned that I need to stop bottling all emotions inside for so long without finding a release for them. Even if it's talking to someone and being complete unguarded for once in my life. For the longest time, I've had to keep a wall up surrounding my heart that it made everything hard to penetrate. Some things have to change around here or else I may approach my breaking point soon.